Liberation Psychology Home Page

May 9, 2000

Statistics tell us that adolescents who commit suicide tend to tell their friends of their intentions. Their friends usually talk among themselves, but generally do not alert their parents or any other adult. When suicides actually occur, even though friends have been warned, there is rarely an intervention. Under the guise of loyalty and confidentiality, the justification for not involving adults is the code of silence. We may be appalled at this closed circle of "protective" silence and distorted sense of loyalty, but I suggest we look at ourselves before we look at our children. They learned this pattern from us. Adults don't tend to talk to each other about their children's problems. They, too, hide behind the code of silence. To avoid being told it's none of their business, parents make it none of their business. To avoid angering their adolescents, who want their privacy and their power, parents keep silent even when they suspect that their children might be engaging in dangerous behavior. Adolescents don't see adults as helpful, but as interfering. They don't see many adults confronting each other directly or successfully when things are out of line. They often see us griping "about" one another, getting angry at or defensive with each other, or just avoiding dealing with difficult or threatening topics. We teach them by example, "Don't get involved. It's none of your business," or "Leave it alone. Don't cause trouble by talking about it." Adolescents take it to the next level, "It's none of the adults' business. I can't tell them. I don't want to get in trouble." Most times in life the stakes aren't so noticeably high when we fail to confront a situation, but when it's knowledge of an intended suicide, our pattern of lack of courage and integrity in communicating with others can cost a life. We need to examine both our code of silence and our courage. We definitely need to change our pattern of avoidance. A life may depend on it.

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