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November 13, 2003

It would seem that when a 12 year old boy commits suicide, there is enough blame to go around. However, in this particular case, the mother is the only one on trial, and she is found guilty and is about to be sentenced to jail. Strange, that the blame game gets us in such a sad predicament. I wonder what would have changed if we looked for accountability instead of only blame?

There is no question the mother was negligent on several levels. The house as described and photographed was no place a child could possibly live with any sense of peace and well being. It was in total chaos as well as unclean. The boy went to school with dirty clothes, messed his pants and was in general disarray. He was bullied by other students and unprotected by any teacher, administrator or his mother. Was there someone to blame? Of course. Any adult who had any responsibility for him in any capacity either ignored his cries for help or was ineffective in bringing about an intervention for this boy who obviously desperately needed one. So desperately, in fact, he killed himself to escape. He intervened.

The sense of powerlessness he must have felt is beyond imagining. Every adult in his life failed him. No one took charge and made something happen to free him from his torment. His was not a hidden suffering. He had every visible sign. Was absent from school more than he attended, was filthy and had no bladder or bowel control while at school, was bullied relentlessly by his peers, had a mother who barely functioned except to work and earn a living, but certainly not able to take care of her troubled son. DCFS provided a social worker, but to what avail? Nothing ever happened and nothing ever changed. They just looked, reported, suggested counselling for him and closed his case.

The paper reports that the week he killed himself the DCSF social worker recommended to his mother that she get counselling for her son. She said no because the bullying hadnÕt stopped yet and she figured heÕd be alright once it stopped. So, no intervention, DCFS closes his case, and he kills himself. Now is that what we should expect from a parent and a social worker? No. Is that what we might expect from a depressed and troubled boy who had been abandoned by everyone? Yes. Killing himself was one way he could take his power and he did.

This tragedy was not inevitable. It could have been averted at any juncture, right up to the time he killed himself. As every adult failed him, he lost hope that anything would ever change. He was already over the line as far as functioning normally. There was not one shred of normalcy in his life. Suicide was a natural outgrowth of such an out of control situation with no help on the horizon.

If we demand accountability for this tragic outcome, we would start with the mother. Why didnÕt you get help for your son? You had a right to expect the school to stop the bullying, but when they didnÕt, you had no right to allow it to continue. Why would you let your son find himself in such emabarrasing situations like messed pants without immediately getting him counselling? When you looked at the condition of your home, why didnÕt you realize you were in over your head and werenÕt providing a healthy environment for your child? Why were you so passive as you witnessed your childÕs suffering? Do you realize you didnÕt protect your son from his home, from his bullies, from a total sense of powerlessness? You are appealing the verdict of guilty, but where are you on the reality of your lack of accountability? You are guilty of total ineffectiveness. You did not protect your son from anything, even himself. At least claim that and then say you are sorry!

To the Department Of Children and Families, you have the power of an institution, why didnÕ you use it? You were ineffective with his mother, ineffective with the school, ineffective with the obviously suffering child, ineffective on every level, with helping the child you are comissioned to protect. He killed himself as you closed his case.You failed to protect him and now he is dead. Claim your ineffectiveness and your culpability in this unnecessary death of a12 year old under your care, then say you are sorry.

Finally the school with its principal and assistant principal, its counselors and its social workers, its teachers and its staff, where were you? Why were you so willing to allow a student to come to school filthy and soiling his pants? Why were you tolerating almost total absenteeism? Why did you allow bullying to go on without effectively taking action and stopping it? You did not protect a 12 year old student of yours, instead you tolerated him and his tragedy until he stopped it himself. Please claim that!

You have the power to demand things from parents, teachers and students and from DCFS. Why did you fail to demand anything from anybody? You squandered your power and failed a child of yours. Why werenÕt the social worker or the counselor at your school involved in saving this child? Why werenÕt his teachers forming a protective circle around him and helping him clean up and come to school to see them and get their support? Why werenÕt the bullies suspended until such a time they would stop bullying. Why were you so disinterested that you failed to use your power. Why did you fail to protect a student of yours by failing to use the many resources you have to save him? For the sake of this dead child and for future troubled children who may attend your school, claim your negligence. Then say you are sorry.

Nothing will bring him back. Nothing will undo the mess of negligence and ineffectiveness, but stop protecting yourselves against criticicsm and claim your part and apologize. You are so busy defending yourselves, look at how you failed to protect him and ask yourself why you can so aggressively protect yourselves when you were so ineffective in protecting him.

Be sad. Be sorry. Be honest. Look at your part in allowing this suicide to occur. Learn and take steps to prevent such ineffectiveness from setting the stage for suicide ever again. At least learn. You owe him that. Claim what part is yours and learn and change. Learn from this tragic outcome that could have been avoided if you, any one of you, had been effective in your demand for things to be done to save this boy. Be sad. Be sorry. Be honest. He did not have to die.

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