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Liberation Psychology

The Choice of Intimacy Not Conquest

Michele Toomey, PhD

michele@mtoomey.com

This site last updated: July 26, 2006

Running Commentary by Michele Toomey

July 26, 2006

National Bullying Breeds Hostility that Leads to Violence

As if we haven't seen it happen over and over again, yet we repeat our pattern of bullying and wonder why we are not gaining alliances among our friends and compliance from bully nations. It is hardly a mystery, yet as a nation we act bewildered or angered by the response we are getting from around the world when we decry Iran's or North Korea's movement toward developing a nuclear bomb. China and Russia pretend they don't hear us , and then make their own gestures toward a relationship that suits them. Europe seeks diplomacy. We bully.

Friendly nations we officially visit have protests decrying the United States and its aggressive actions. Bullying a bully only reaps more bullying and posturing. We know that. So, why are we still threatening and calling names? Not because it works. Certainly it didn't and hasn't with Iraq, or North Korea or Palestine. The fact that it doesn't work seems not to matter at all to us. It is what we know and what we do, so we keep doing it. Why, I continually ask myself. Is it that we like being a bully? Does it makes us feel safe and strong? Do we believe that fear is the way to lead? After all, it is working or at least was working on the general public after 9/11. Fear prompted us to allow the pre-emptive waging of war against Iraq. Fear gives George Bush the edge even when he is deceiving us or even misleading us into dangerous policies and and actions.

Fear seems to close the media's eyes and prevent their exposure of the duplicity that accompanies bullying. How much have you heard, seen, or read about the fact that recently in Congress "support the troops" was defined as cutting the budget for their families and their treatment when they arrive home disabled or traumatized or both. Where is the media when it comes to informing us of this latest hypocrisy? Too afraid of being shut out so they keep silent to stay in, but it would seem to me that the media has been shut out all along. So what is the basis for their fear? A question we need to ask them again and again. We need to ask and demand an answer. Why are you the media allowing yourselves to be bullied by the administration or co-opted by them?

For those of us who value integrity and fairness that yields respect and understanding which are the cornerstones for peace, bullying is a source of outrage and shame. Bullying is not tolerated in the integrity world view. So how do we who live out of integrity with its fairness and respect, reconcile ourselves to the climate of bullying that prevails in our country today? We can't.

We must become a force to be reckoned with by joining together in voicing our outrage and our shame. Hostility and bullying breed violence. The current escalation of fighting in the Mideast is just another example of violence spreading when bullying prevails. The ugly American is alive and well in this 21st century and in a form that is far more despicable than loud and ill mannered tourists. We are the bully nation of the world abusing our power and our stature until we are feared and hated rather than respected. Hardly an honor. Hardly a goal. Hardly a source of pride.

November 15, 2005

The Legacy of Rosa Parks

An unlikely quiet woman, a quiet response, and ramifications that changed our country forever. Loudness is obviously not measured in tone of voice! Effectiveness is obviously not limited to aggressive action. Rosa Parks, a black woman, sat down and stayed sitting. She refused to get up and give her seat to a white male. How much more non-violent can one be, than to sit quietly? Yet, Rosa Parks risked injury or even death on the spot once she refused to move. Still, she refused.

How did this quiet, non-violent act spur the boycott of the buses for close to a year by the Blacks of Montgomery? What was it that Rosa Parks set in motion and how did she do it? This act by a woman of color who was being mistreated and oppressed by white customs and laws, represented the courage and convictions of a woman of integrity who said to herself, enough is enough. Her statement was dramatic and loud and right. Nowhere could anyone of integrity fault her for her actions. It was truly a black and white case! There were no subtleties or nuances, just the clear cut obvious injustice being challenged for what it was, unjust and unfair and oppresive. Compliance represented complicity. Rosa Parks decided that day she was no longer going to participate in this oppressive mandate. She was no longer going to cooperate. Enough was enough, and she had had enough.

The aspect of her leagacy that I choose to highlight is the line of intolerance that she finally drew. Oppression will continue as long as the oppressed tolerate it. Abused wives who choose to stay in abusive relationships, have not drawn the line. They are choosing to tolerate the abuse. Only when they say to themselves, "Enough is enough" drawing the line and refusing to tolerateÊ anymore abuse, will they have the chance to be free. Intolerance for abuse and oppression is the key. Drawing the line is essential as the demarcation of demanding fairness and respect and not tolerating abuse and oppression.

Rosa Parks demanded to be treated fairly and respectfully. This act did not cost her her life, but it cost her her livelihood. No one would hire her after she drew her line. They wanted compliance. They wanted subservience. They wanted respect for their unjust ways. Once Rosa Parks said "No" to them she had to leave. She moved to Detroit, a northern city where rumblings of civil rights were not a lethal sound. She lived the rest of her long life working for civil rights and never again complying with the demands of racism.

If we are to learn from Rosa Parks the powerful lesson she embodies for us women, it means embracing her intolerance for oppression and abuse, and drawing our own lines, and refusing to be complicit in any oppressive acts ever again. As she lay in the rotunda, the first woman ever to lie there, we women should feel proud of this woman of conviction and courage, and allow ourselves to be challenged. From Rosa parks we muast learn to look deep inside ourselves and find the strength and the courage to actually see the abusive unfairness that we tolerate in our own lives, and refuse to be complicit in it ever again. It will take the courage of our convictions to face up to what needs to be rejected in our lives, but if Rosa Parks is to touch more than our hearts for a few passing moments, we must follow her example and refuse to ever again participate in our own or another's oppression. We must draw our own line of intolerance and quietly live within its bounds while monitoring its borders and refusing to allow any trespassers to cross them. Then we can proudly say, "Rosa Parks, we salute you and we join you, and we thank you."

June 25, 2005

Aruba, Senior Trip, Vanished, and Chaperones

Strange how we hear over and over again what is needed from the police in Aruba and how the cooperation of the entire island is being solicited, but we hear nothing about confronting the chaperones or the classmates of Natalee Holloway. I find that extremely strange. The first place I would go would be the chaperones. Where were they at 1 am in the morning when an 18 year old girl they were chaperoning is leaving a club accompanied only by three local young men?

Why weren't the girls using a buddy system and advised not to go anywhere without their buddies and never go anywhere alone with men? Why did Natalee's friends who saw her leave that early morning with three young local men allow her to leave with them without interceding? She might as well have taken the trip to Aruba by herself and not go through the charade of a chaperoned trip with her classmates.

Why weren't her chaperones waiting up for her if not at the club with the girls? Why wasn't she reported missing at 1 am when she didn't arrive at her hotel? Why did no one ever check on whether she was back at the hotel at any time that night or early morning? What is the purpose of a chaperone if not to know where you are and where you are going and when you get back? Were there no rules guiding these girls? Again I say, then why not go unaccompanied to Aruba and stop pretending that parents can rest easy because the girls are chaperoned?

Only once did I hear the word chaperone come up and a reporter asked Natalee's mother if she had any questions for the chaperones, and she replied, "Absolutely not!" I ask, "Why not?" She was also asked if she had any questions for her friends that saw her leave, and again she replied, "Absolutely not."

Then I say, "Don't expect the people of Aruba to successfully do the work of finding a vanished girl after the fact, when your system of protection was non-existent prior to her disappearance. Look to your own and ask, "Where were you when my daughter was alive and at risk? Why werenÕt you watching out for her and for each other?"

February 3, 2005

Why Do the Majority of Americans Prefer Lies and Half Truths?

It is shocking to hear that national polls continue to show that the majority of Americans still believe that there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and that Saddam Hussein was actively involved with Al Queada in the plotting of 911. Never mind that there is no evidence to support these claims, or even that there is actually evidence to the contrary. Never mind that the military have stopped searching for weapons of mass destruction after not finding any. Most Americans want to believe that the war was justified and that we were not misled by the Bush administration, so that means the majority of Americans have to lie to themselves and be grateful to be lied to by the administration. The lies allow the war to be justified, and our need to respond to 911 with force and a macho show of strength has been satisfied. Our false sense of security as a bully nation is intact.

Never mind that the rest of the world, especially the Muslim world, grows ever stronger in its fear, anger and hatred of the United States of America. We need them to fear us, because we think that will protect us.Their fear is our security blanket. Never mind that this fear is accompanied by anger and hate. We lie about fear's relationship to anger and hatred. In truth, fear is not our protection. Rather, fear is the fuel of the hate. We are feeding the hatred by our war mongering manner. Never mind. We prefer the lie that fear is our protection even if it is false.

Now the Iraqis have voted, we can rationalize the fact that we engaged in a preemptive war to win them that right, and claim that the end justifies the means. Another half truth to add to the list. Of course it is a wonderful thing that the Iraqis can vote, but they needed to get that right another way, not by our invading their country. Americans have died to win that right, but was it our blood that should have been shed? Oh, yes, they had weapons of mass destruction and were in partnership with the terrorists on 911. No matter there is no proof, now we can forget that and be glad they have voted.

This reasoning is dangerous and only feeds on itself and generates more half truths. Eventually the lies will catch up with us, and then where will we be? Far down the road of lies and destruction of integrity until our world collapses, much as the stock market, or Enron or any other house of cards.

I can hardly watch the news any more and I never listen to the President, but the climate of the righteous right is everywhere and its moral arrogance saturates the air we breathe. If we are to liberate ourselves from this morass, we must look to our leaders that "say" they stand for integrity and fairness and truth and demand that they lead. "Stand up America" and exercise your right to protest the lying and to advocate change now. Confront the half truths and expose them for what they are, lies.

There really is no such thing as a half truth. Things are either true or false. Currently, the majority of Americans endorse half truths, so they are endorsing lies. The conclusions that come from these lies are tainted and therefore misleading. As we congratulate ourselves on our accomplishments, we are embracing lies. We are allowing ourselves to be misled. Why? I guess because our fear is so loud and we feel safer with macho bravado than with reflective diplomacy.

Let us look to leaders to lead, not mislead, let us seek to be led and not misled, let us choose to reject half truths as lies and reject the conclusions that are drawn from them. They too are lies. If we are to liberate ourselves, we must demand truth. It is not right to shackle ourselves in lies and betray ourselves to gain "democracy and freedom" for others. In addition to losing lives, there is the price of losing our integrity as well. Both losses exact a supreme sacrifice.Death in body is irreversible, but when accompanied by loss of integrity among the living, death of the soul occurs. A living death is too high a price to pay for a false sense of security and justification of our aggressive actions.

Ask yourself, where is the hope? I contend it is not in half truths or lies, but rather the hope is in ourselves and in our integrity. To have real hope we must not accept, comply with or conform to the misleading assumptions and conclusions that are currently offered by our leaders as truthful interpretations of the facts. We must challenge the essential assumptions that they make and refuse to accept anything but essential truth. It is not enough to grouse about their lies. We must reject both the lies and the liars. In many ways we need a mutiny. Anything short is collaborating with the liars.

Democrats should not be reaching across the aisle to join the false assumptions and subsequent false conclusions. Democrats should rally those on the other side of the aisle to cross over to our side and join in the leadership of values that are based on truth and integrity, fairness and respect.

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About Liberation Psychology

Michele Toomey Michele Toomey developed Liberation Psychology in response to the sexism that permeates traditional psychology. This tradition views the sexes as being unequal and, as the very term "opposite sex" suggests, opposing one another. This tradition also incorrectly interprets opposite traits within the human self as being unequal and differentiates these traits along gender lines.

Liberation Psychology rejects the assumption that opposite means hostile or unequal, and that power means control. It looks at the paradoxical relationships within the self's inner world as equally legitimate forces reconciling, and a communication network designed for intimacy not conquest. It teaches communication and self-expression for discovery not control. Women and men, girls and boys, all have one major thing in common, the need to love and be loved, to know themselves and others and to be known by themselves and others. We must learn to communicate how we feel and what we think so that we can be known and loved. Communication, therefore, is of vital importance to us.

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Textbook for Teachers: Preventing Hostility and Violence by Teaching Accountabilty and Fairness

How To Communicate With Integrity Who You Are and What You Need
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